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hooker with a heart of gold

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[16 Jan 2011|02:33am]
I've felt this vibe twice in my life. Once, with a guy that ended up being gay but was an extreme late bloomer about it, and once with a guy that was totally straight but couldnt say no to the attention.

if you can't trust your vibes, what can you trust?
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[25 Jun 2010|03:20pm]
i made a tumblr a little while ago. i like it. see ya, livejournal!

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[25 Mar 2010|02:52pm]
[ mood | determined ]

things. are. happening!

food stamp papers filed, rent is paid. working on my fafsa right now.
had a very successful interview at kroger, with one major setback: mouth swab drug test. apparently these are the easiest to pass, though i would say i have a 35 percent chance. i've decided to not be so concerned about losing weight, and more concerned about biking every chance i get. with the food stamp money i bought a lot of worthwhile, healthy food, but i've been eating way too much. the skinniest i've been my entire life i ate total crap, but biked 7 miles to work every day. biking constantly and eating what i want when i want should produce some kind of positive result, right?

i have this distinct feeling everything is going to either come together or fall apart after slaughterama. next couple weeks are the most vital of 2010 so far. out of money, out of luck. if i'm not employed by mid april i'm either going to have to try to become a prostitute, or work harder on my goal to secure a sugar daddy. or lose my fucking mind and live in the woods and growl at hipsters while they drink 40's at the river.

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[21 Feb 2010|03:24am]
fuck it.

keeping my beard shaved off the past 3 weeks has not helped me find a job. i'm growing that shit back and hoping for the best.
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[10 Feb 2010|03:26pm]
I'm concerned by how disconnected i feel.
After reading Roberts text message "Apparently Neil hung himself. thought you'd like to know, in case you didn't already", the stages of grief immediately initiated themselves. numb shock. unable to move. my brain tried to wrap its head around the statement as though it were in code. I had no idea what to do with myself, so i logged online. dozens of people had already left him messages post mortem, which disturbed the fuck out of me. having known a few other people die in the past few years, the practice of 'talking' to the deceased through their internet profile is something i personally think its totally warped, but it's become commonplace. cliche, even.
i fought the urge to cry, as i always do. who knows why. i absorbed myself in mass effect 2, finally beat the game. while playing intensely, my brain continued decoding the puzzle that is accepting death. i started to feel angry. Neil was a very unusual guy, so naturally our friendship was unusual as well. I met him while working at Ellwood Thompsons. He was loud, outspoken, a prankster. He had a very offensive sense of humor, which i appreciated. The first time we hung out we got drunk together and looked at his comic book collection. He opened up his soul to me. it was a very dark place. he grabbed the switchblade he always had on him and started cutting up his arm. i was super drunk and 20 years old and had no idea what to do other than be there for him. Being supportive and nonjudgmental seemed to do some good. during the rest of our friendship, he didn't engage in such obvious (physical) self destructive behavior.
he was a stressful person to be friends with. everything was always about him. his head was always swelling in a negative hyper drive. he talked about suicide a lot. i would always tell him what i thought about suicide- it was an lame easy way out. one of the most selfish things a person could do. no matter how bad you feel, how much you wish you could just go to sleep and never wake up, the pain you would cause the ones that care about you makes it not worth it.
in a lot of ways, he could be a great person to talk to. his own willingness to be open with you for better or for worse made me feel comfortable to spout off about any crazy emotional problems i had going on, no fear of judgment. though a few months after his wife left him, i made the decision to distance myself from him. he was in a very bad place and he was bringing me down with him. it was really hard for me, i couldn't help but feel shitty, but thats what neil did. he would befriend someone and latch onto them like a leech. close to a year knowing him, our friendship was too one sided, too intese, too destructive. my relationship with him was one of the many things that attributed to my breakdown a couple years ago, when i quit ellwoods abruptly and moved back to fredericksburg for close to a year. after moving back, we got back in a touch with him a little, mostly online. i was hesitant to hang out with him. too many bad memories. i think i haven't said a word to him for about 3 or 4 months.
i never thought he would ever actually go through with it. but i'm not surprised. apparently he seemed in good spirits the night he did it. went out to a bar with some work friends. he probably was just really drunk, got the idea in his head, and finally went through with it.
i had been thinking about trying to get back in touch with him lately. regret is too painful, i refuse to succumb to it.
after feeling angry and cursing him for proving to the world he was indeed the selfish asshole he showed himself off as by doing this, the need to cry subsided. i feel o.k, i'm not overwhelmed with grief. but something isn't right. i haven't really left my room since i found out, haven't felt like talking to anyone. i watched an absurd amount of tv yesterday, way more than normal. ate too much food, kept on stuffing my face until i felt tired and sick.

2010 has really sucked so far.
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[21 Jan 2010|02:33am]
to allow yourself to be liked, it's nice.
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[03 Nov 2009|01:04am]
am i the only person that still thinks the shins are kinda rad?
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[17 Aug 2009|12:48am]
[ mood | embarrassed ]

at a house show/party tonight, a group of girls walk by me and giggle "O.M.G he so looks like emile hirsch!"



i should grow my beard back

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[13 Aug 2009|02:09am]
dont get me wrong, i'm pretty much mostly totally homosexual.
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[11 Aug 2009|06:09pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

i really suck at bioshock!

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[24 Jul 2009|10:14am]
[ mood | blah ]

i'm being totally crazy. apparently my own personal brand of grief is potentially debilitating immaturity, impulsive unwise decisions. like not showing up for work today. i was supposed to get the entire weekend off, but they scheduled me the silly shift of 11-2. hopefully they will understand or not care. i have a plan of 'believing i didnt work today', but i'm being real absurd about it right now, cant bring myself to even call.

a really good friend of mine, colin, had been feeling numb for a couple weeks. as in, half his body felt numb. he went to the doctor, got an mri, and there was something in his brain. they made him stay overnight at the hospital a few days and ran tests. he has a tumor in the center of his brain. it's inoperable. they are going to do a biopsy, figure out what it is exactly, and figure out the best treatment.

to say i'm worried would be an understatement. i unfortunately am the sort of person that assumes the worst. luckily they let him leave the hospital, so he has a week to hang out and do whatever before the biopsy. after spending a couple days getting way too drunk and surrounding myself with people, i feel like doing the opposite. dr. jonny prescribes alone time. hopefully nothing negative will come about my impulsive disregard for work, but fuck i don't really care. i'm being pretty illogical right now. i should watch some star trek, be influenced by the ways of the vulcan.

my spacebar is acting up and it is seriously about to drive me mad. took me way longer than it should to write this.

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[16 Jul 2009|04:50pm]
for the past few days, ive been feeling out of it/down in the dumps/weary, as though some shit storm is about to blow through richmond. it turns out i was right.

cliff is coming back for a visit. cliff, the guy who i thought was a great friend, who owes my current roomate close to 3000 dollars and has warrants out for his arrest here in richmond. he's also an all around crazy person. something very 90210 is going to happen this weekend, i can feel it in my bones.

i would say that this sort of thing happens a lot- me feeling a sense of foreboding and depression a couple days before something catastrophic, but i dont believe in that kind of thing. bad things also frequently take me by complete surprise. i hope i'm wrong, maybe this weekend is what cliff, ryan, everyone that feels affected by cliffs swift disappearance need. the past few months it was easy to hate him, i never thought he would come back. now that he is, my high horses legs feel wobbly. we've all made mistakes, god knows i have. if hes here to try to make amends, i wouldnt reject him. it's been real hot outside this week, like a storm is brewing, ready to break. the sky'll explode but it'll cool everything off.
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[30 Jun 2009|05:16pm]
[ mood | determined ]

life is much more pleasant when i am oblivious to my surroundings. i have an impressive ability to not pay attention to what's right in front of me- moldy plates, dirt on the floor, popsicle wrappers, an assortment of empty and half-full beer cans, etc. every once in a while reality penetrates my mental barrier and i become jonny the dirty room slayer, dedicated to destroying the big bad that is my filtiness. this sort of thing happens more frequently than it used to (but still not enough). ONE DAY my room will be consistently habitable enough for me to have guests over and i won't feel the need to say "sorry my room is so disgusting" . one day...

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[14 Jun 2009|09:49am]
huhh, i just woke up in my roomates bed (alone), and have no idea how/why.

bollywood night ruled. apparently i had too much fun.
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[13 May 2009|01:57pm]
i just stumbled upon (as in the firefox app) the motherlover video. my mom has a pretty fun sense of humor, but if i were to have sent her that on mothers day it might have put a strain on our relationship. incidentally, the past few weeks i have been listening to pop radio in the car to get an idea where mainstream top 40 culture is at right now. of the 10-12 songs they play over and over, that one with ciara and justin timberlake is one of the few that gets stuck in my head like bubblegum on the brain. timberlake is worthy of ones' jealousy: insane good looks, michael jackson vocal abilities without the creep factor, comedic ability that surpasses most of the snl cast. my worst pop song weakness right now is that jamie foxx song, 'blame it on the alcohol'. every time its on the radio i HAVE to listen to it. one time i even sat in my car after arriving back at the store from a delivery to finish listening to it. i've been trying to decipher what it is exactly that i like about it. the subject matter? the bizarre lazy synth line? perhaps i have a psychological soft spot for all things t-pain.

oh god, i really should have taken summer classes.
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[13 May 2009|01:10pm]
3 days off in a row. with no deadlines looming over the horizon, i've found myself wanting to make the most out of the days. yesterday was bike around aimlessly day. it was mostly rewarding, though by the early evening i was hungry and tired and lost interest in engaging in social activity. part 2 of day one became lie in my bed eating triscuit nachos and watch 'the big bang theory'. today i am going to spend at least an hour casually refreshing myself in college algebra and giving buffy, my sexy blue skinned dark elf battlemage some tlc. who knows she might even level up.
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[08 May 2009|01:43pm]
tentative plans for an ideal world:

work excessively, become the ultimate pizza delivery boy, abruptly quit (...maybe). take the money and run. leave virginia this summer, if even just once. take a full load of classes in the fall, try to be that guy that says "sorry guys, i cant go drink in an alley tonight, i've got homework!" and actually mean it.

not sure why i want to quit dominos so hard. other than having little to no interest in most of the people i work with, wearing my car down, being forced to comply with unnecessary corporate rules (it really grinds my gears!) the work is stable, though. it's a little too easy to take off a week on a whim and have no fear that you won't be on the schedule when you get back. i'll stick with it until something more financially profitable and less soul crushing comes along. maybe i could join the army of white bearded boys with glasses that deliver for china panda. really, i just need to figure out a get rich quick scheme that is only a tiny bit illegal.
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[04 May 2009|01:00am]
[ mood | gassy ]

fuck drawing crates. scratch that, fuck rendering shit in charcoal as realistically as possible in general. the still life i conjured up last week was too complicated so i've started over, even though its due tomorrow. i should think like today/tonight is the last time i can work on it, especially since i promised rick i would meet up with him tomorrow to be in the music video he's making for john vanderslice. i have no idea what that entails, though he mentioned that he's going to need to shoot me sleeping in a sleeping bag at the river. my new still life is of this little door i found (i think it goes on our electricity box thing) with a scary monster hand emerging from it, and a gnome, a totoro toy and a mother mary statue "guarding" it. i have the very basic outline down, but the devil is in the details.

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[21 Apr 2009|03:49pm]
if i were to get a lot of schoolwork done today and tomorrow, that makes skipping class today ok. right?

i have a really illogical sense of logic.
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[16 Apr 2009|04:48pm]
i havent shaved off my unibrow in over a month, the main reason being i dont have any of those cheap razors, and neither does ryan. i haven't kept it all natural since i was 14 probably. it was the only sort of 'manscaping' i ever did. unless it gets straight up bushy and my eyebrows literally become a brow, i think i am done hiding that little tiny part of my persian heritage.

the next few weeks will consist of a pleasant mix of working on my final project (going to take/pick a ridiculous picture of myself and render it in charcoal), working late night on the weekends, excessive amounts of hangage, and mass effect. life is mad decent. ::knocks on wood::
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